Found: My Blogging Mojo

So I realize I have some explaining to do.

I know it’s been a while, ok maybe more like an eternity, since my last post.  I didn’t think anyone would notice.  Do people even still go back to the site anymore?  Do they even remember I exist?  I’m sure I can go a little longer before anyone notices.

Ha.  Yeah, right.

Comments on the board, threatening emails, at least twice daily gchats, even messages sent through my mother (“I ran into so and so at the grocery store, and she wants to know when your next post is going to be.”)  Wow, you’re a persistent bunch.  Even my sister said, and I quote, “I had like 12 people ask me this weekend when your next post is going to be.”  Before I spur a riot in the streets, let me just say, I hear you.  Loud and clear.  You miss me, and frankly, I miss you too.

So what happened?  Things were going so well.  My fan base was getting larger by the day.   Complete and total strangers were reading the blog and passing it on. I would even meet people through friends and they would quietly say to me, “I love your blog.”  Ahh! Really?!  I’ll admit when I started this thing, and I thought my family would read and my close friends (because I would make them) and that would be it.  Little did I know, it seemed to strike a chord with people, and I have to admit, it made me even more clever and hilarious in real life.  I was always scheming for my next post, even more surprised when material would come out of nowhere, and get down right annoyed when my bosses would, you know, make me actually work.  “You need me to do what?  Um, don’t you realize I need to put a blog post up first?  Thanks.”  It seemed the Washington Post Style Section story on the political staffer turned bloggerturned bookdeal and newly crowned Saks spokesperson was just around the corner. (Hey, a girl can dream, if I’m going to get a book deal, I might as well get some free shoes out of it as well.)  It was like the first few weeks of dating a guy when you just walk around with a permasmile and gush about him to your friends.  I had a new boyfriend, and it was my blog.

When I first played around with having a blog, there was much discussion among my kitchen cabinet of advisers (ok, like three friends of mine who actually took my blogidea seriously and not just another one of my grand plans that never come to fruition like the following: a book club, a girls investment club, a charity cocktail party, Sunday brunches, and more dinner parties than I can name.) about whether I should be anonymous or you just go ahead and come out loud and proud.  Should I go ahead and trademark my identity now?  I mean, the “If you Like Me, Check This Box” desk calenders could be out by next Christmas.  It was decided I should be anonymous for multiple reasons.  I would have more freedom to write what I want and you know, there could be more hype if there was ever some grand unveiling of who the actual author is.  Wait, theatrics can be involved?  Never one to shy away from anything dramatic, I knew anonymous was the way to go.

However, here’s the thing, I’m really bad about being anonymous.  There are people who do this for a living, and I just don’t see how.  From this blog experience, I now know CIA operative is one career option that will never be in my future.  Two vodkas on an empty stomach at a 6:00 Thursday happy hour, and I’d tell all of Washington, DC every piece of intelligence in my head.  “Oh you’re from Russia?  That’s so funny!  I work on all our secret intelligence in Russia, but I can’t tell you anything! Ha!  Oh, you’re buying me another drink?  You’re so nice, can we be bar best friends?”  Ten minutes later, I’m spilling my guts and on the cover of Newsweek for being a Traitor to the United States.  Was it for millions of dollars in bribes?  Ha, no, just a couple of free drinks at the bar.  I’m a cheap date like that.

So I launched the blog and decided I would just sit back and see if anyone read it.  Well, after I sent an email to about 20 friends  of mine who find me somewhat humorous saying, “Hey, I started a blog, check it out.  I’m anonymous, but psssttt…it’s me.”  So discreet.  I thought that would be the end of my PR campaign. Yes I would be content with those twenty people knowing my identity, and that’s it.  Yeah, well, then the thing kind of took off.  I realized how much  I loved writing about the crazy life I lead and it turned out a lot of people liked reading it as well.  I would be out and about, and I’d meet some fabulous, fun girl or gay guy at a party and think, “Oh, she would SO love my blog.”   Next thing you know, I’m drunk and blabbing, “So I have this blog, and it’s called “If You Like Me, Check This Box” and it’s really funny and I think you’d like it.  But, shhhhhh, don’t tell anyone it’s me.  I’m ‘Anonymous’.”  While readership did increase, and I won a whole legion of fans with this strategy, it also spells a recipe for trouble.

So here’s when the drama happened.  It was September, a brisk, fall evening.  I was fresh off a fabulous week in the blog world, writing not just one, not two, but three fantastic (if I do say so myself) posts, two of which still remain my favorites to this day.  Since day one, I have been scared of running out of material, but after this week I was starting to realize, as long as I kept waking up every morning and going about my day, and continuing to live the life I lead, I would never run out of material.  I mean, come on, this is me we’re talking about.  I met my friend Jane, and two of her friends I had never met for drinks.  After introductions, Jane goes, “She writes the blog I showed you guys!”  Oh my gosh, fans!  Strangers who are friends, even better!  The night wore on, I made the fatal mistake in the name of weight loss to not eat bar food and instead just drink until I could eat a points friendly snack at home.  Yeah, bad idea.

As I was talking to Jane, we somehow figured out that she knew Jack, the blind date from hell I went on in September.  Let me make a confession, in all posts, I change all names to protect the innocent, unless my friends don’t want their names changed.  It actually becomes a game, “What do you want your name to be?  Do you want a soap opera name like Diandra or Faye?”  “Oh, what about Babysitters Club names?  Who wants to be Stacy the Diabetic?”  So Jack is not really Jack and for that matter, Jane is not really Jane.

“Um, Jane, he’s Jack.”  (ha, Jack and Jane, I didn’t do that on purpose when naming “Jane”, but funny how that worked out, anyway, I digress.)

“Oh. My. God.  I can’t wait to tell my friend who works with him!”

“NO!  You can’t!  It’ll get out, you absolutely cannot!”

“No, no, I’ll just tell her, and I’ll make sure she doesn’t tell anybody.  I promise.”

Right, famous last words.  I went home feeling a little uneasy about it all, but figured it wouldn’t be a big deal.

Right.  Over the next couple of days, I noticed that my blind date post was getting more hits than any other post.  I was thinking, ha, it is my favorite, of course people are reading it.  Then I started noticing there were quite a few google searches for the title, “So Why No Boyfriend?  This is Why.”  (Yes, the little WordPress elves show you what Google searches led people to your blog.  This is very educational and also very disturbing – the search “Soft Porn” and “Netflix” has led to quite a few visitors.  Don’t ask me why.)  Hmmm…that’s weird. Again, it was a really funny post, maybe it’s gaining an internet following.  I mean, I do have quite a few fans, and I did just break the 5,000 mark on hits in a little over a month.  I guess this is what fame brings.

So it’s Saturday morning, I’m back from the gym, MSNBC is on (it’s my constant background noise), laptop is on my lap, and I’m going about my various internet activities.  Check Gmail, read news clips, check Washington Post and New York Times headlines, visit various shopping sites, oh and check my blog.  What is today’s readership total so far?  (At this point, I was checking hourly, maybe more like every 15 minutes on a particularly slow work day.)  Oh, a new comment!  Yay!  I love comments – it’s like Christmas.  Oh, it’s on the blind date post.  God, I love that post.  I wonder what he/she said?  Who is writing today?  This is so exciting!

Whoa.

Um, okay, that’s not a nice comment.  At all.

And that’s not from a usual girly name.  That’s from….

Oh.

The Blind Date.

Yes. In All Its Glory.

The Blind Date found the post, read it, and decided to let me know what he thought.  Let’s just say it was not very nice.  At all.   I could copy and paste exactly what he said, but I like to keep this a family publication.  I mean, there’s enough smut on the internet, I don’t need to be an added contributor. Oh what the heck, I really should just post in all its glory:

New comment on your post #216 “”So Why No Boyfriend?” This is Why.”
Author : JAWWWSSSSSSSSS (IP: 98.204.98.39 , c-98-204-98-39.hsd1.dc.comcast.net)
E-mail : XXXXX@XXXX>XXX

URL    : http://TasteJawsNuts.com

Comment:
Haha that was cute, So you wanted to fuck me? Don’t call me I’ll call you. Loser.
  – Jack “Jaws” K.

Jaws?  Huh?  You want me to what?  Yeah, not my usual comment.  Also, I didn’t REALLY want to sleep with you, it just made the whole situation even funnier.  I love that that’s the first thing that struck him. “Oh, she totally wanted to do me.”  Sorry, not really.

If that’s not enough, he then sent me an email two days later.  Yes, he responded AGAIN without ever getting a response from me.   Clearly this guy was not letting this go unless he had my head on a mantle.

Discretion is the better part of valor.  its not your fault, sweetheart, but i think your actions answer your yearning questions.  

Yes, he ripped off Shakespeare.   He also called me sweetheart, in that condescending, “You’re just a loser girl with a blog” way.  I wanted to be like, “Um, did you get a chance to read the other posts?  They really are funny.”  It also made me realize, okay, this guy is really not for me. 

I’ll admit.  I freaked out.  OH MY GOD!  First of all, I realize this is a public blog, and I take full responsibility for what I wrote, and frankly, I stand by my story.  However, I am not a malicious person.  I’m not someone who wants to bring harm to others.  It’s not as if I woke up the next day and said, “Oh, I’m going to take that guy down!”  No, it was more like, “Oh my God, this is going to be the best. post. ever.”  At the same time, I was never prepared for the actual guy to read about himself like that.  Nor was I prepared for a horrible, disgusting, down right mean comment in my normally quite happy comment box.  Frankly, I kind of feared for my life a little bit.  Can I leave my house?  Um, not without my big sunglasses on.  (See what did I tell you?  Big sunglasses are an essential part of the Single Girl Toolkit.  You can’t survive your 20s without them.)  

So what does one do in a situation like this?  Emily Post does not have a chapter on What To Do When a Blind Date Finds Your Blog Post About the Whole GodAwful Moment.  First things first, I took the post down immidiately.  I also wrote him a handwritten I’m sorry note on my Crane’s stationary saying I was sorry (which I was) and included a check covering what our little drinks date.  I decided I was raised better than to not apologize for my actions, even though I know many would say his actions didn’t justify it, and it was time to stop fearing for my life (which I did) and move on.  Even without my favorite blog post.

Yes, it was hilarious.  Yes, it was fabulous.  Yes, it was my favorite, but I kept telling myself I needed to take the moral high ground.  I hurt someone’s feelings, I think his whole office read it, and I can do without it. 

Yeah, easier said than done.  Suddenly blogging was a lot harder when I kept realizing the consequences if the poor person read what I was writing.  I’m sorry to say, but the unthinkable happened. 

I lost my blogging mojo.

I’d open up a blank screen, ready to write a new post, and I’d just stare.  People would bug me for new posts and I would say I was busy.  I thought maybe I just needed a new atmosphere, not my messy desk at my office.  Maybe if I went to a hipster blogger coffeehouse, the blog juices would start flowing.  Yeah, no.  It didn’t happen.

So now, I’m just going to have to take do the only thing I no how to bring my mojo back.

I’m putting the post back up.  I’m sorry, it’s a classic and I love it so much I might read it to my children as a bedtime story.  (Ok, they would be seriously emotionally damaged souls if I did that.)  So here it goes, read it and weep. 

I also feel like the mojo is coming back as I type this.  I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep up a daily pace, but definitely look back here for something once or twice a week.  We’ll just see how exciting my life gets with a new Democratic administration in town.

Also check back for my own personal security sake.  If I haven’t posted in a while, or responded to emails, phone calls, gchats – send the police this story.  There might be a few suspects after me.

xo